![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Entry tags:
Fic: Undertow 1/?
Title: Undertow
By: Polgara
Rating: R
Disclaimer: I own none of the recognizable characters. They belong to their respective creators and distributors.
Spoilers: Everything for Buffy is fair game. Everything up to and including season seven of Stargate SG-1. There will be very specific spoilers for season seven. You have been warned.
Setting: Takes place right after Homecoming of Stargate and three years after Chosen.
Summary: When someone close to Buffy dies, she finds herself on Jack’s doorstep. Before long, events and emotions pull them into something greater than they ever imagined.
A/N: My author notes are here for a reason, please read. If you still ask questions that are answered here, I will not answer them again. Do not beg for updates, this fic will be updated every other Sunday like clockwork, nothing will change that. I repeat nothing.
A/N2: I’ve only altered canon slightly. Ignore the whole Jack/Sam thing, it doesn’t exist here. And I’ve created a previous relationship between Buffy and Jack. It will get explained eventually, just be patient.
A/N3: Special and huge thanks to my betas – Meri and Copper. You gals are fabulous!
Chapter One
Jack reached out and caught Buffy as she collapsed. Scooping her up into his arms, he carried her into the living room, kicking the door shut behind them. He sat back on his chair and held her in his lap. Ignoring his teammates, he rocked and soothed the sobbing woman in his arms. This was unusual behavior for her, but he couldn’t ask her questions while the others were still there. He looked up at them and said, “Could you guys, uh…”
“Sure, sir,” Sam said with a quick smile, concern and curiosity shining in her blue eyes. She knew they’d get an explanation later. “We’ll see you on Monday.”
Daniel and Teal’c murmured their goodbyes and headed towards the door. Jack snorted softly as he heard Daniel ask the others, “I know my memory is still a little spotty, but am I, are we supposed to know her.”
“She is a stranger to us all, Daniel Jackson,” came Teal’c’s reply as he shut the door behind them.
Jack continued his efforts until she finally calmed somewhat. “What happened? A demon?”
“No,” she sniffled.
“Vampire? Evil magic doer?”
“No.”
He frowned. He thought he had covered all of the usual suspects that routinely captured the youngest Summers. “Then what?” He asked softly.
She let out a choked sob and snuggled closer. “It was a drunk driver. I thought I was prepared in case one day we got there too late, but not this. Not some stupid frat boy who didn’t have the sense to not drive!”
He seriously doubted she would have been prepared either way. The death of a family member was just not something you could prepare for. He was also aware that Buffy’s close relationship to Dawn was more than just the normal sisterly bond. Since the monks had created Dawn from Buffy, the slayer considered her to be a part of herself. Couple that with everything that the two had endured and you had a bond that was much stronger than most.
Buffy’s body shook with renewed sobbing. Normally she hated showing this much weakness, but Jack never let her feel that that made her less of a person. Many times over the past eight years they had gone to each other for comfort, consolation, or support. It had almost been instinctual for her to head to Colorado Springs once the funeral was over. She had told no one that she was leaving, but had slipped out while they were busy with other things.
She and Jack had kept their friendship a secret. It was nice to have someone outside their inner circle to go to when you needed a break. He had never told her exactly what he did for a living and she had never pushed. However, he had learned her secret the day they had met.
This was the first time she had shown up unannounced, but she had had no spare time between the… incident and the funeral. She had only hoped that he would be home and alone. She supposed she should be thankful that she got at least one of the two.
“Did you bring anything with you?” Jack softly asked.
“Huh?” She asked, shifting to look up at him.
“Clothes. To change into.” He smirked at her. “I don’t know if you noticed, but it’s raining out. You’re wet so now I am. Just thought you’d like to change into something dry.”
She yawned and then climbed off his lap. “A shower would be nice, too. My bag is outside… I think.”
“You think?” He asked, standing up.
“Jack, I barely remember getting here, let alone where I dropped my bag when I did,” she said, wiping the moisture off her face.
“Good point,” he said. “You know where the bathroom is.”
She nodded and headed off down the hallway.
He watched her disappear into the bathroom before letting out a huge sigh. This was going to be difficult to explain to his teammates, let alone what it was going to do to him.
Running a hand through his short, grey hair, he went to retrieve Buffy’s bag. It only took a glance as he brought it in to know that everything in it was soaked. He threw the bag into the laundry room and then headed into his bedroom to see if he could find anything suitable for her to sleep in.
Jack cursed softly to himself as he rummaged through his drawers. Buffy was so small that everything he owned was going to be too big. He finally settled on an old dress shirt when he heard the shower shut off.
He rapped on the door and waited for her to crack it open. He handed her the shirt and said, “This should be long enough. I have to wash your clothes since they’re wet. They’ll be dry by morning.”
“Okay,” she said, taking the shirt and shutting the door.
When she emerged a few minutes later, Jack had to fight off the urge to grab her and kiss her senseless. Her hair was still damp from her shower and the hem of his shirt barely touched her knees. He could feel his body react so he quickly turned around and went into the guest room. He turned on the light and gave it a quick inspection. “Everything’s ready in here. Do you need anything else?”
“No… Jack?”
“Yes,” he said, turning around to face her. He kept his gaze strictly on her face and not on her slender legs extending below his shirt.
“I just want to… This is just so… Thank you,” she finally choked out.
He could see the tears threatening to fall again and he took the few steps to close the distance between them. Taking her into his arms, he kissed the top of her head. It seemed strange to smell his shampoo in her hair. “Oh, Buffy,” he murmured.
“I’m sorry,” she said, her face buried in his chest. “I hate being like this, but I can’t seem to help it.”
“It’s only natural,” he said, rubbing soothing circles on the small of her back.
She relaxed at his touch and slid her arms around his waist. As always, it seemed that no matter how bad things were, Jack’s embrace made her feel better.
“You should get some sleep,” he said softly.
Buffy just nodded sleepily and slipped out of his arms. He moved to the door and then turned around, “Good night, Buffy.”
“Night, Jack,” she said from the bed.
He turned the light off and shut the door behind him. Suppressing a frustrated groan, he went to the laundry room to take care of Buffy’s clothes. He hoped Buffy wasn’t as picky as Sara had been about how the laundry was to be washed. He had always separated his laundry by clothes and towels, but Sara had a very detailed sorting system that he could never remember.
After loading the washing machine, he went back upstairs to check on his food supply. His kitchen rarely held more than the barest essentials since he spent so much time off world or on base. He had never been much of a cook anyways and he ordered out a majority of the time. A quick perusal of his cabinets and fridge proved his worst fear – he was going to have to go shopping.
He grabbed a beer and went back into the living room to watch TV until it was time to put the clothes in the dryer. Taking a drink of his beer, he realized that his living room was a mess, but decided to take care of it in the morning.
XXXXXXX
Jack jerked awake. His heart racing, he listened for what had startled him. The noise of the television faded as he concentrated. Then he heard it – whimpering from the guest room. He realized that he must have fallen asleep as he got up to check on Buffy.
He cracked open her door and saw that she was caught in the throws of a nightmare. He quickly crossed the room, grabbed her shoulders and shook her awake. “Buffy! Snap out of it!”
Her eyes flew open and she looked wildly about the room.
“It’s me, Jack. You’re at my house,” he reminded her and her eyes flew his face.
“Jack?”
“Yes, sweetheart. I’m here,” he said, pulling her close.
“It’s not fair,” she cried.
“No, it’s not,” he murmured, recalling the last time they had had a similar conversation. He had flown to Buffy’s the first weekend off after Daniel had died.
He grimaced. How was he going to explain that? He knew she was familiar with resurrections having been through it herself, but she was going to question this one. It wasn’t everyday that a civilian consultant for the Air Force came back from being dead for over a year.
Crap.
She’d see right through any cover story he’d create. She would end up digging around and discover the truth. He could only hope that they’d never meet.
Then he felt guilty for worrying about his own problems and not her. He looked down and realized that she had fallen back asleep. He gently laid her back down and covered her back up.
He left her door cracked open so he could hear her in case she had another nightmare. He went to turn off the TV and put her clothes in the dryer. After he was done, he went to his bedroom and stripped down to his boxers. Making sure his door was slightly open as well, he wearily climbed into bed and fell asleep.
XXXXXXXX
Buffy awoke the next morning to the smell of coffee and bacon frying. She rubbed her eyes and blearily looked at the clock. She always knew that Jack was a sadist. Eight was way too early to get up. She threw the blankets over her head to try and block the smell, but it didn’t work.
Squinting her eyes against the bright sun, she stumbled her way to the kitchen. She mutely held out a hand until Jack put a mug of coffee into it. He chuckled as he watched her inhale deeply before taking the first sip.
She slid into a chair and continued drinking. She was touched that he remembered exactly how she liked it – sugary.
“Sorry about the meager fare,” he said, once he was certain she had taken in enough caffeine. “This was all I had. We’ll take a shopping trip later.”
He was surprised when she stood back up and came over to hug him. Never passing on the chance to touch her in any way she’d permit, he hugged her back.
“Hi,” she said, smiling sadly up at him.
“Hello,” he said slowly, not sure what was going on.
“I just realized we kind of skipped this part last night.”
“I’ll forgive you, but don’t let it happen again,” he said with a grin. “I might ask for penance, like cake.”
“’Cause cake is always good,” she said, her smile almost reaching her eyes this time. She released him and went back to her seat.
A moment later, Jack set the bacon down on the table and sat in the other chair. He watched her nibble nervously and he knew she wanted to discuss something but was unsure where to start. He let her worry over it for several minutes before taking pity on her and spoke up. “So… What’s up?”
Her hazel eyes lifted up to meet his brown ones. “It’s okay for me to stay here?”
“Sure. You’ve done it before,” he replied with a shrug.
“But what if it’s for more than a weekend?”
“How long we talkin’?”
“A while,” she said with an apologetic look. She caught the hesitation in his eyes and continued. “I can’t stay in Cleveland now – not with so many reminders of her. I just need to be away so I can heal without my friends breathing down my neck. This is the only place I could think of, but if you don’t…”
“You can stay,” he said, interrupting her babble. He understood the deep need to get away for a while. “Do they know you’re here?”
She shook her head. “They still don’t know you exist. But I left a letter explaining everything and that I’d be back as soon as possible.”
“Think they’ll respect that?”
“I think so.”
Jack picked up a piece of bacon and chewed on it as he thought a few things over. He was going to have to see about getting her clearance. There was no way she’d be able to stay for an indeterminate amount of time and not get curious. His life was almost as weird as hers and she’d see the signs no matter how hard he’d try to hide them. There had been many times in the past when he had been tempted to just tell her, but she always had enough problems of her own and he didn’t want to burden her with more. Now wasn’t the best time for her to learn either, but he wasn’t seeing much of a choice.
Plus, it was going to be harder for him to hide his feelings from her this way. The random weekends and phone calls were easier. It was a finite amount of time and then they’d go their separate ways. This would be her being here all the time, for a long while. She would be sleeping just across the hall every night. That was even more worrisome than her finding out about the stargate.
“When you go back, this friendship will no longer be able to be our little secret anymore. You know that, right?” He asked.
“I know. If this is a problem I can leave…”
“No, I didn’t say that. I just want you to be aware of all of the consequences.”
“I know.” She sent him a rueful look. “Your friends from last night probably have a lot of questions about the crazy girl who showed up at your house.”
“My team will definitely be curious, but they can wait.” He gestured to the plate. “Eat and then go get ready. We have shopping to do.”
“I’ll need more clothes. I only packed the essentials.”
“Do we have to?” He whined.
“Oh, yeah.”
XXXXXXXX
After spending most of the day shopping, they ordered in some Chinese and popped in a movie. They snuggled on the couch after they finished eating and watched the movie.
Buffy barely saw the images flickering across the screen. She relaxed in Jack’s arms, secure in her decision that coming here was the right thing. They had spent the day pleasantly; Jack had let Buffy set the pace. She had managed to only spend a small portion of it crying. Instead, she had regaled Jack with stories of some of Dawn’s crazier antics over the years – some were false memories, but most were not.
When she was with Jack, no matter where their meeting place was, she felt like she was home. It wasn’t what she had felt when her family had been whole, nor was it what the Scoobies evoked, but something entirely different. She wasn’t about to examine the feeling too closely since her emotions were in turmoil, but allowed it to help ground her.
She had an inkling of what the cause was. Years prior she had realized that she was attracted to Jack. It was something she took great care to squash and repress. Their lives were just too incompatible. It had nothing to do with age. After dating two vampires that was obviously a moot point.
It was the nature of their lives that kept her from pursuing him. As the slayer, her responsibility was originally the hellmouth, and then creating and helping to run the Watcher’s Council after Sunnydale collapsed. True, she was abandoning that responsibility for the moment, but she knew she’d go back once the pain had dissipated some. Jack was Air Force and had to go where they sent him. It wasn’t fair to either of them to ask the other to give up their life.
Plus, she was fairly certain he wasn’t attracted to her. Even if he was, she was pretty sure that the age difference was a problem for him. So she contented herself with his friendship and was thankful for it.
By: Polgara
Rating: R
Disclaimer: I own none of the recognizable characters. They belong to their respective creators and distributors.
Spoilers: Everything for Buffy is fair game. Everything up to and including season seven of Stargate SG-1. There will be very specific spoilers for season seven. You have been warned.
Setting: Takes place right after Homecoming of Stargate and three years after Chosen.
Summary: When someone close to Buffy dies, she finds herself on Jack’s doorstep. Before long, events and emotions pull them into something greater than they ever imagined.
A/N: My author notes are here for a reason, please read. If you still ask questions that are answered here, I will not answer them again. Do not beg for updates, this fic will be updated every other Sunday like clockwork, nothing will change that. I repeat nothing.
A/N2: I’ve only altered canon slightly. Ignore the whole Jack/Sam thing, it doesn’t exist here. And I’ve created a previous relationship between Buffy and Jack. It will get explained eventually, just be patient.
A/N3: Special and huge thanks to my betas – Meri and Copper. You gals are fabulous!
Chapter One
Jack reached out and caught Buffy as she collapsed. Scooping her up into his arms, he carried her into the living room, kicking the door shut behind them. He sat back on his chair and held her in his lap. Ignoring his teammates, he rocked and soothed the sobbing woman in his arms. This was unusual behavior for her, but he couldn’t ask her questions while the others were still there. He looked up at them and said, “Could you guys, uh…”
“Sure, sir,” Sam said with a quick smile, concern and curiosity shining in her blue eyes. She knew they’d get an explanation later. “We’ll see you on Monday.”
Daniel and Teal’c murmured their goodbyes and headed towards the door. Jack snorted softly as he heard Daniel ask the others, “I know my memory is still a little spotty, but am I, are we supposed to know her.”
“She is a stranger to us all, Daniel Jackson,” came Teal’c’s reply as he shut the door behind them.
Jack continued his efforts until she finally calmed somewhat. “What happened? A demon?”
“No,” she sniffled.
“Vampire? Evil magic doer?”
“No.”
He frowned. He thought he had covered all of the usual suspects that routinely captured the youngest Summers. “Then what?” He asked softly.
She let out a choked sob and snuggled closer. “It was a drunk driver. I thought I was prepared in case one day we got there too late, but not this. Not some stupid frat boy who didn’t have the sense to not drive!”
He seriously doubted she would have been prepared either way. The death of a family member was just not something you could prepare for. He was also aware that Buffy’s close relationship to Dawn was more than just the normal sisterly bond. Since the monks had created Dawn from Buffy, the slayer considered her to be a part of herself. Couple that with everything that the two had endured and you had a bond that was much stronger than most.
Buffy’s body shook with renewed sobbing. Normally she hated showing this much weakness, but Jack never let her feel that that made her less of a person. Many times over the past eight years they had gone to each other for comfort, consolation, or support. It had almost been instinctual for her to head to Colorado Springs once the funeral was over. She had told no one that she was leaving, but had slipped out while they were busy with other things.
She and Jack had kept their friendship a secret. It was nice to have someone outside their inner circle to go to when you needed a break. He had never told her exactly what he did for a living and she had never pushed. However, he had learned her secret the day they had met.
This was the first time she had shown up unannounced, but she had had no spare time between the… incident and the funeral. She had only hoped that he would be home and alone. She supposed she should be thankful that she got at least one of the two.
“Did you bring anything with you?” Jack softly asked.
“Huh?” She asked, shifting to look up at him.
“Clothes. To change into.” He smirked at her. “I don’t know if you noticed, but it’s raining out. You’re wet so now I am. Just thought you’d like to change into something dry.”
She yawned and then climbed off his lap. “A shower would be nice, too. My bag is outside… I think.”
“You think?” He asked, standing up.
“Jack, I barely remember getting here, let alone where I dropped my bag when I did,” she said, wiping the moisture off her face.
“Good point,” he said. “You know where the bathroom is.”
She nodded and headed off down the hallway.
He watched her disappear into the bathroom before letting out a huge sigh. This was going to be difficult to explain to his teammates, let alone what it was going to do to him.
Running a hand through his short, grey hair, he went to retrieve Buffy’s bag. It only took a glance as he brought it in to know that everything in it was soaked. He threw the bag into the laundry room and then headed into his bedroom to see if he could find anything suitable for her to sleep in.
Jack cursed softly to himself as he rummaged through his drawers. Buffy was so small that everything he owned was going to be too big. He finally settled on an old dress shirt when he heard the shower shut off.
He rapped on the door and waited for her to crack it open. He handed her the shirt and said, “This should be long enough. I have to wash your clothes since they’re wet. They’ll be dry by morning.”
“Okay,” she said, taking the shirt and shutting the door.
When she emerged a few minutes later, Jack had to fight off the urge to grab her and kiss her senseless. Her hair was still damp from her shower and the hem of his shirt barely touched her knees. He could feel his body react so he quickly turned around and went into the guest room. He turned on the light and gave it a quick inspection. “Everything’s ready in here. Do you need anything else?”
“No… Jack?”
“Yes,” he said, turning around to face her. He kept his gaze strictly on her face and not on her slender legs extending below his shirt.
“I just want to… This is just so… Thank you,” she finally choked out.
He could see the tears threatening to fall again and he took the few steps to close the distance between them. Taking her into his arms, he kissed the top of her head. It seemed strange to smell his shampoo in her hair. “Oh, Buffy,” he murmured.
“I’m sorry,” she said, her face buried in his chest. “I hate being like this, but I can’t seem to help it.”
“It’s only natural,” he said, rubbing soothing circles on the small of her back.
She relaxed at his touch and slid her arms around his waist. As always, it seemed that no matter how bad things were, Jack’s embrace made her feel better.
“You should get some sleep,” he said softly.
Buffy just nodded sleepily and slipped out of his arms. He moved to the door and then turned around, “Good night, Buffy.”
“Night, Jack,” she said from the bed.
He turned the light off and shut the door behind him. Suppressing a frustrated groan, he went to the laundry room to take care of Buffy’s clothes. He hoped Buffy wasn’t as picky as Sara had been about how the laundry was to be washed. He had always separated his laundry by clothes and towels, but Sara had a very detailed sorting system that he could never remember.
After loading the washing machine, he went back upstairs to check on his food supply. His kitchen rarely held more than the barest essentials since he spent so much time off world or on base. He had never been much of a cook anyways and he ordered out a majority of the time. A quick perusal of his cabinets and fridge proved his worst fear – he was going to have to go shopping.
He grabbed a beer and went back into the living room to watch TV until it was time to put the clothes in the dryer. Taking a drink of his beer, he realized that his living room was a mess, but decided to take care of it in the morning.
XXXXXXX
Jack jerked awake. His heart racing, he listened for what had startled him. The noise of the television faded as he concentrated. Then he heard it – whimpering from the guest room. He realized that he must have fallen asleep as he got up to check on Buffy.
He cracked open her door and saw that she was caught in the throws of a nightmare. He quickly crossed the room, grabbed her shoulders and shook her awake. “Buffy! Snap out of it!”
Her eyes flew open and she looked wildly about the room.
“It’s me, Jack. You’re at my house,” he reminded her and her eyes flew his face.
“Jack?”
“Yes, sweetheart. I’m here,” he said, pulling her close.
“It’s not fair,” she cried.
“No, it’s not,” he murmured, recalling the last time they had had a similar conversation. He had flown to Buffy’s the first weekend off after Daniel had died.
He grimaced. How was he going to explain that? He knew she was familiar with resurrections having been through it herself, but she was going to question this one. It wasn’t everyday that a civilian consultant for the Air Force came back from being dead for over a year.
Crap.
She’d see right through any cover story he’d create. She would end up digging around and discover the truth. He could only hope that they’d never meet.
Then he felt guilty for worrying about his own problems and not her. He looked down and realized that she had fallen back asleep. He gently laid her back down and covered her back up.
He left her door cracked open so he could hear her in case she had another nightmare. He went to turn off the TV and put her clothes in the dryer. After he was done, he went to his bedroom and stripped down to his boxers. Making sure his door was slightly open as well, he wearily climbed into bed and fell asleep.
XXXXXXXX
Buffy awoke the next morning to the smell of coffee and bacon frying. She rubbed her eyes and blearily looked at the clock. She always knew that Jack was a sadist. Eight was way too early to get up. She threw the blankets over her head to try and block the smell, but it didn’t work.
Squinting her eyes against the bright sun, she stumbled her way to the kitchen. She mutely held out a hand until Jack put a mug of coffee into it. He chuckled as he watched her inhale deeply before taking the first sip.
She slid into a chair and continued drinking. She was touched that he remembered exactly how she liked it – sugary.
“Sorry about the meager fare,” he said, once he was certain she had taken in enough caffeine. “This was all I had. We’ll take a shopping trip later.”
He was surprised when she stood back up and came over to hug him. Never passing on the chance to touch her in any way she’d permit, he hugged her back.
“Hi,” she said, smiling sadly up at him.
“Hello,” he said slowly, not sure what was going on.
“I just realized we kind of skipped this part last night.”
“I’ll forgive you, but don’t let it happen again,” he said with a grin. “I might ask for penance, like cake.”
“’Cause cake is always good,” she said, her smile almost reaching her eyes this time. She released him and went back to her seat.
A moment later, Jack set the bacon down on the table and sat in the other chair. He watched her nibble nervously and he knew she wanted to discuss something but was unsure where to start. He let her worry over it for several minutes before taking pity on her and spoke up. “So… What’s up?”
Her hazel eyes lifted up to meet his brown ones. “It’s okay for me to stay here?”
“Sure. You’ve done it before,” he replied with a shrug.
“But what if it’s for more than a weekend?”
“How long we talkin’?”
“A while,” she said with an apologetic look. She caught the hesitation in his eyes and continued. “I can’t stay in Cleveland now – not with so many reminders of her. I just need to be away so I can heal without my friends breathing down my neck. This is the only place I could think of, but if you don’t…”
“You can stay,” he said, interrupting her babble. He understood the deep need to get away for a while. “Do they know you’re here?”
She shook her head. “They still don’t know you exist. But I left a letter explaining everything and that I’d be back as soon as possible.”
“Think they’ll respect that?”
“I think so.”
Jack picked up a piece of bacon and chewed on it as he thought a few things over. He was going to have to see about getting her clearance. There was no way she’d be able to stay for an indeterminate amount of time and not get curious. His life was almost as weird as hers and she’d see the signs no matter how hard he’d try to hide them. There had been many times in the past when he had been tempted to just tell her, but she always had enough problems of her own and he didn’t want to burden her with more. Now wasn’t the best time for her to learn either, but he wasn’t seeing much of a choice.
Plus, it was going to be harder for him to hide his feelings from her this way. The random weekends and phone calls were easier. It was a finite amount of time and then they’d go their separate ways. This would be her being here all the time, for a long while. She would be sleeping just across the hall every night. That was even more worrisome than her finding out about the stargate.
“When you go back, this friendship will no longer be able to be our little secret anymore. You know that, right?” He asked.
“I know. If this is a problem I can leave…”
“No, I didn’t say that. I just want you to be aware of all of the consequences.”
“I know.” She sent him a rueful look. “Your friends from last night probably have a lot of questions about the crazy girl who showed up at your house.”
“My team will definitely be curious, but they can wait.” He gestured to the plate. “Eat and then go get ready. We have shopping to do.”
“I’ll need more clothes. I only packed the essentials.”
“Do we have to?” He whined.
“Oh, yeah.”
XXXXXXXX
After spending most of the day shopping, they ordered in some Chinese and popped in a movie. They snuggled on the couch after they finished eating and watched the movie.
Buffy barely saw the images flickering across the screen. She relaxed in Jack’s arms, secure in her decision that coming here was the right thing. They had spent the day pleasantly; Jack had let Buffy set the pace. She had managed to only spend a small portion of it crying. Instead, she had regaled Jack with stories of some of Dawn’s crazier antics over the years – some were false memories, but most were not.
When she was with Jack, no matter where their meeting place was, she felt like she was home. It wasn’t what she had felt when her family had been whole, nor was it what the Scoobies evoked, but something entirely different. She wasn’t about to examine the feeling too closely since her emotions were in turmoil, but allowed it to help ground her.
She had an inkling of what the cause was. Years prior she had realized that she was attracted to Jack. It was something she took great care to squash and repress. Their lives were just too incompatible. It had nothing to do with age. After dating two vampires that was obviously a moot point.
It was the nature of their lives that kept her from pursuing him. As the slayer, her responsibility was originally the hellmouth, and then creating and helping to run the Watcher’s Council after Sunnydale collapsed. True, she was abandoning that responsibility for the moment, but she knew she’d go back once the pain had dissipated some. Jack was Air Force and had to go where they sent him. It wasn’t fair to either of them to ask the other to give up their life.
Plus, she was fairly certain he wasn’t attracted to her. Even if he was, she was pretty sure that the age difference was a problem for him. So she contented herself with his friendship and was thankful for it.